do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
