I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
