K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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