I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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