So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Green mimosas i think yes
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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