I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
