I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You need Xanax blowdarts
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
