sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
