omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
