I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
