I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
