First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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