Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Redeem this text for a blowjob
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
