im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
