Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
