please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
