I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
