I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
