I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
