My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
