Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
