i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize