stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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