fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
