Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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