Pants 0. Shit 1.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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