Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Michael Bay diarrhea
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
