We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
