What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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