he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
