my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
PANTIES FOUND
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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