i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
