Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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