My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
