um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
