Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
