New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
