i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
