I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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