a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
