I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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