naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
