the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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