Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
