Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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