Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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