I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
