Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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