I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
please come you make the beer taste better
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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