My first STD was from a foam party
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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