sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
