Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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