I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The Olympian is in my bed
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
