She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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