i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I love having hate sex.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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